Watch out it's the Indian Double Mutant!

Some helpful advice to stay safe.

Andy Lambeth

2021-05-19 2 min read

Just when you thought it was safe to buy your weekly groceries from the supermarket the evil Covid monstrosity is back in town. But this time it has transformed itself into the even scarier INDIAN DOUBLE MUTANT! Terrified? Well you should be! We all know the drill though: Masks on, follow the arrows, stand in the circles, head down, no talking…just get your arse back home before that vile mutant from hell turns your body into a quivering wreck to die a slow death on a ventilator.

No, you naive fool it makes no difference that you’re vaccinated. What do you think you’re messing with here? Have you not seen those scenes from the Indian hospitals? Yes, I know they told you the vaccine was our way out of this…but…erm…well they didn’t know the virus was going to mutate did they? Well yes, I know all viruses mutate but not like this! I mean have you seen this son-of-a-bitch under the microscope yet? No? Well take my word for it then. IT’S HORRIBLE! Just the spike alone will have you on the ropes gasping for breath before you can say “Protect the NHS!”

Just stay indoors until the government says it’s safe to come out again. All we have to do is wait and the virus will go away by itself. For heaven’s sake just follow the science – that’s all you have to do. It’s obvious really isn’t it? It’s an Indian variant so it’s not going to want to stay in the UK forever, especially when the weather turns nasty. It will just migrate back to its country of origin like the geese do every year. As long as we all keep away from it then it will soon get bored and go back home. Okay you can’t stay at home if you drive a bus, or work in a hospital, or collect rubbish, or do pretty much any other working class job. And we can’t keep the kids away from school any longer...but everyone else can stay at home. In other words office workers and old age pensioners can stay at home...apart from when they go out to get their shopping...or when they have to go to the hospital...or when they have to stand on their doorsteps clapping like mad penguins. So clearly the pesky mutant strain stands no chance at all when it’s up against such a robust and ingenious plan from our churchillian leaders. We’ll definitely be back to normal by this time next year...oh I forgot – this is normal now isn’t it?

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