Cheer up Matt!

Gina tries to console her hapless boyfriend

Andy Lambeth

2021-06-30 4 min read

“There, there my sweet Matty-Munchkin, please stop crying. It’s not all that bad. I know it’s going to be difficult to make the last year look good on your CV but at least you’ve got an excellent reference from Boris. All right, everyone knows he really thought you were totally f**king hopeless but let’s not dwell on that. I’m sure your friends will look after you anyway. Let’s face it you’re entitled to some sort of return on the £15 billion worth of PPE contracts you handed out to them. And the shares in Topwood are looking great too!

Yes, you do look like a massive hypocrite now you’ve been caught breaking your own rules but the chances are you’ll bounce back soon enough, just like Professor Pantsdown did. Oh sorry, I know you don’t like me calling him that, I meant to say Professor Lockdown. Your indiscretions will all be forgotten by the end of the year and the public will just view you as they view most other politicians: unfavourably.

Oh, I wish you would say something my Cutie-Patootie. All you’ve done is cry for the last four days now. Have a little sip of the milk that I’ve warmed up for you – I’ve added honey and everything, just how you like it. I know how disappointed you must be. I know you thought being in charge of the pandemic was going to be great for your career but things don’t always work out the way we expect them to. Look at me: I thought having an affair with you would be a good career move but all I got was a £15,000 salary and a bit of hanky-panky in your office. And they were the good times. All I have now is a blubbering wreck of a boyfriend with no job.

You’ve just got to face up to reality. I know you were hoping to wriggle out of it but your idea of using Dominic’s ‘loss of vision due to Covid’ excuse would not have worked on this occasion. People would never have believed your eyesight was so bad that you mistook me for your wife. But then on the other hand perhaps you really should have gone to Specsavers. After all you did fail to spot the rather large CCTV dome camera in the middle of your office ceiling. Oh sorry darling, that was below the belt. I didn’t mean to make you cry more, I’m just having a little joke with you to try and cheer you up.

Oh come on, it’s no use hiding under the duvet. Sooner or later you’ll have to show your face in public again. Well the top half of your face anyway. At least the face mask will cover up your blushes.

Look at it this way: It’s not really a fall from grace because no-one really approved of you in the first place. You’ve never had the respect you deserved from the public or your colleagues; I don’t know why. I wonder if it was all those big whoppers you told about test and trace. I suppose being caught drinking in the Commons bar after curfew didn’t help either. I’ve always loved you though, despite your complete lack of integrity – or maybe because of it. I guess I’m just a sucker for bad boys. I think the Queen has a soft spot for you too if her remarks to Boris at the Privy Council meeting are anything to go by. I suppose being called a ‘poor man’ by her wasn’t the legacy you’d hoped for but at least you got the sympathy vote. Maybe you remind her of Andrew.

But we all make mistakes my sweet Stud-Muffin and you’re being much too hard on yourself. No one should condemn you for the fact that over 42,000 care home residents died due to the large numbers being discharged from hospital with Covid; it was just one of those things. Okay you were in charge of the hospital discharge policy and the fact that there were no test kits was also down to you too but we should look at the glass as being half full. There are over 490,000 care home residents who are still alive. Maybe they’d rather be dead, as everything that made life worth living was taken away from them but that’s not entirely your fault. It’s largely your fault but it’s not entirely your fault.

And all that criticism about PPE is just unfair. Who could have guessed that the massive order you got the RAF to fly in from Turkey would turn out to be useless? Your contact from the local kebab shop seemed to be such a nice, helpful chap too.

We should be focussing on some of your major achievements anyway my Snookie-Bear. For instance setting up all those Nightingale hospitals was a remarkable accomplishment. It’s such a shame that the NHS didn’t have anyone to staff them but how could you possibly have known that? I suppose you could have checked beforehand but it’s not fair to expect you to think of everything just because you are the Health Secretary...erm I mean were the Health Secretary.  

At least there was one thing you got away with though. No-one ever found out that you didn’t really have the Covid jab. Your PR team worked wonders on that little stunt. The publicity shots were amazing and the make-up girl who switched the syringes at the last minute was an utter pro. Professor Van-Tam had no idea what was going on! Though I do personally think you were a bit over cautious about the vaccine for someone who usually likes sailing so close to the wind. I know the jabs are a bit dodgy but let’s face it there’s a much bigger risk of you getting killed by your wife. And if she doesn’t get you my husband probably will.

Oh come on do stop blubbering! It’s getting embarrassing now. Here, I’ve got a little something to cheer you up. No not that - you randy tiger! Just something that might assist you with your next career move. The other day I fluttered my eyelashes at the security guard who looks after the CCTV in Boris’s office. Okay, it was a little bit more than an eyelash flutter, but needs must when the Devil drives. Anyway he gave me this still shot from some recent video footage...

Yes, I know it is a bit disturbing to think we had tea and biscuits sitting at that very desk the other week. Hopefully they gave it a good wipe down first.”

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